'Im. 'E. That Little Shit. The Work Experience Kid. Fraser (as shouted by Si on at least one documented occasion, viz. "Fraser, if you don't do some fucking work, I'm gonna take you outside, pull down your trousers, and laugh at your tackle!"). Andy (Trading Standards liaison). Bishop1 (vehicle registration, see Known Vehicle below).

 

Male. Longish hair. Beard. Drives a vehicle consistent with someone who believes themselves to be a gangster but is, in fact, a Trading Standards liaison officer from the Home Counties. At the time of the original incident (Poole, Dolphin Centre, approx. 1999), subject was described as: "just a normal kid, quiet, nice enough, wouldn't hurt a fly" (M. Griffiths), and "such a sweet little boy" (S. Harding). The Manic Street Preachers hoody was considered a positive indicator of character. This was a catastrophic misjudgement by both parties.

 

Trading Standards, Poole and Greater London branches. At least two liaison officers, one of whom is named Andy and the other of whom has never been identified but is believed to be equally smug. Unknown parties at "The Standards" who were apparently prepared to close down a legitimate independent record shop on the word of a work experience boy with a grudge and a scratched CD that he had clearly scratched himself. Unknown parties who, frankly, want to have a long hard look at themselves in the mirror.

 

Devious. Patient. Willing to wait. Subject worked his work experience placement at Falcon Records without incident for approximately two weeks, receiving "excellent" across the board on his report (S. Harding, ibid) and two complimentary CDs at the end of his tenure. He then disappeared for a period estimated at one to two years. During this time, he presumably cultivated his contacts at Trading Standards, formulated his plan, and scratched the CD in question to a degree that would stand up as evidence.

He then returned to Falcon Records and issued a financial ultimatum: "I want four grand before Thursday, or else." When this was dismissed as drunken nonsense — reasonably enough, one might think — he returned that Thursday with two Trading Standards liaison officers and the scratched CD. The subsequent inspection of Falcon's stock revealed that a significant proportion had been scratched "to buggery," strongly suggesting that subject had gained access to the stockroom during his placement and methodically damaged the inventory over a period of time. This is the theory of Si and Marty. This is also, frankly, the only theory that makes any fac'in sense.

 

Registration: BISHOP1. Description: dark-coloured, mid-range saloon. Gangland-adjacent in aesthetic. Spotted outside Camden Tube Station, 15/05/04, whereupon subject lowered the passenger window and delivered the following statement to a trouser-less Si: "blup! blup! If only Fraser could see you now! blup! blup!" before accelerating away. The "blup blup" noise is unexplained and has not been heard since. We invite theories.

 

Subject shows a pattern of long-term premeditated grievance with a retail focus, suggesting a troubled relationship with consumer culture and/or a very specific problem with men named Simon. He has repeatedly gone out of his way to harass and monitor both Si and this website, suggesting that far from moving on with his life, he has remained fixated on Falcon Records for the better part of five years. This is deeply sad. It is also absolutely fac'in terrifying.

Subject appeared to take genuine pleasure in informing Si: "You have 24 hours to vacate this shop, and your houses, and anything else that has been paid for by your criminal empire." He used the phrase "criminal empire" about a record shop in Poole. He said this to Simon Harding. To his face. This tells you everything you need to know about who we are dealing with.

 

Unknown. Subject was last confirmed in the Camden area, May 2004. Given the recent arrival of a Trading Standards officer at FM Music (see Sightings: The Return), subject is believed to be aware of Si's whereabouts and continuing to monitor the situation. He has not yet made a direct approach. When he does, Si will be ready. Marty will also be ready, though we cannot guarantee that Marty's readiness will manifest in a legally defensible form.

 

High. Not because subject is dangerous in any conventional sense — he is, when all is said and done, a former work experience boy with a bureaucratic support network and a car with a silly numberplate — but because he knows what he's doing and he's willing to wait. He got Si once. He won't get 'im again. But he's definitely going to try. That much, at least, is certain.

VERDICT: We will still get 'im.